Doug and Dyann Kierstead

Doug: We've been married a little over five years. We first started to get to know one another through Young Adults Ministry. We were both going to a retreat over a weekend, and we both signed up to serve. We were serving, helping out, kind of putting on the retreat, specifically with the games team, and we were put in the same group.

Dyann: During the weekend, I had noticed that Doug made it a point to approach me a couple times and have really good conversations.

Doug: I just heard over and over again while serving with the church of like, man, ask out the godliest girl know. And so at the Tuesday after the Young Adults Retreat weekend, I had asked for her number.

Dyann: So Doug proposed a year after we started dating. At the time, Doug was working a job that required 60 to 80 hours a week. And so coming back from our honeymoon and him going straight into those working hours was really difficult. So not having that time with Doug was really hard. And not knowing how to do life with a husband and a spouse to care for and be like, well, I thought we were supposed to be in this fun, la-la, goo-goo kind of time. Over the next probably two to four years of our marriage, one of the biggest feelings I had was just not feeling cared for by Doug. I felt like we had a lot of missed expectations.

Doug: And I don't think I really knew that until like year two or year three, where I was coming home late, not really having intentional time with Dyann, like not talking about her day, not asking what she was learning. We're checking a box, doing all the things we thought we were supposed to do, serving at the church, going to service. I felt like we had quiet times in the morning. We were continuing to develop our relationship with the Lord, but the relationship with each other was just not there. There was a tension, and you could cut that tension with a knife for a long time. But just for both of us, we didn't feel comfortable hanging around one another to the point where we didn't like to hang out with one another. The conflicts continued to be more escalated and just they got way more animated, way quicker than what it typically did. We weren't at a point where we were ready to get a divorce, but that definitely got brought up in a conversation and a heated argument, I was like, I don't know what to do. Like, this is frustrating. Is this an option for us? We just were looking for a next step and yeah, not sure where to turn.

Dyann: A couple of our friends did an intervention. They saw that we were hurt, we needed help, and that we didn't know what to do. And so they introduced us to our church's marriage ministry called re|engage, and so we signed up immediately. The first time we went to reengage, I still felt hopeless. We were listening to the testimony and just what the program was about, and I still kind of felt like there's no way that this ministry was going to help improve our marriage.

Doug: Yeah, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel like I needed to be there. I didn't feel like I was the problem in our marriage. I felt like it was all Dyann. I felt like I was going for her. Re|engage felt clunky. It didn't feel natural. Just everything about it just felt off to me. And it felt like I was in the wrong spot. We were in our close group one evening going through the lesson, and they had talked about drawing the circle around yourself, which essentially means you're not trying to speak for the other person or like fix whatever's going on in their circle. You're only fixing what happened in yours. And so there was an exercise where we did that. That was, think, the starting point of like - once I started to say I'm really sorry for X, Y, and Z, whatever the case may be, and then not expecting anything from Dyann, like I felt enormous more peace. I felt like we were closer together. It just felt like, yeah, that we were taking a step forward because I was letting go rather than continue to like tug on a rope, if you will.

Dyann: I thought I knew what grace was and in reality I had no idea what grace meant in the context of marriage. 1 Corinthians it says, is kind, love is patient, love doesn't boast. And so it was really a reality check for me of, love is gracious and so... that means loving Doug sacrificially and selflessly, and I definitely wasn't doing that because I was going into re|engage thinking about how Doug could love me better instead. Re|engage has really taught us patience with one another, flexibility with one another, obviously good communication skills. You can be as involved as you are in your church and think you're doing all the right things, but if your heart isn't in the right place to receive, it's not gonna go well. You know, God's gonna work through that and the spirit will move in your heart. It's just about being open to that.

Doug: Yeah, re|engage isn't just a program or curriculum to go through. It really has impacted our marriage has changed our trajectory, I think, moving forward. Love is sacrificial, and so it's putting the needs of someone else over your own. And especially recognizing now that we have a kid. Our son is now taking up more of our attention, more of our time. And because I recognize that I'm no longer caring for myself, that's really how I should've been caring for my wife. It's now, it's highlighted, it's highlighted every day. But the reminder, we are not in control. We don't have this thing figured out.

Dyann: We're not perfect, we are sinners. And so I think re|engage is a great place for anyone looking to restore, reignite, or just to learn more about how they can go deeper in their marriage.