What to Do If Your Spouse Is Looking at Porn

This article is Part 3 in a 3-Part series on Pornography and Marriage. For more on why pornography is destructive or how to heal from pornography, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Not sure if you’re addicted to pornography or not? Explore the StruggleFinder questionnaire.

Learning that your spouse is viewing pornography can make marriage feel incredibly difficult. The broken trust and loss of intimacy can cause a lot of pain, self-doubt, and insecurity. Pornography doesn’t just negatively affect the one viewing it. Pornography also hurts spouses and whole families.

So what does it look like to actually work through a spouse’s fight with pornography? If your spouse confessed or asked for forgiveness, how do you bring yourself to actually grant it? If you caught your spouse in sin, what are you supposed to do with your anger and pain?

If you feel alone or lost, remember that the Lord is still at work in your marriage. Jesus can transform and restore your spouse. And while you are not ultimately responsible for your spouse’s recovery, Jesus still asks you to grant forgiveness and move toward oneness, no matter how difficult it may be.

Here are some practical steps to take and things to remember if your spouse is addicted to porn:

1. It’s Okay to Feel Hurt – If your spouse is struggling with porn, even the most genuine and heartfelt confession will still hurt deeply. This is okay. You must grieve the loss of trust before you can grow again in oneness. Remember that while "hurt people, hurt people," this doesn’t give us permission to hurt anyone. Another person’s sin against you does not entitle you to a sinful response. Take time to pray and seek help from others. Be solution-oriented and resist the urge to focus on your anger.
2. Openly Share Your Hurts with Others – Don’t try to deal with the betrayal of a spouse’s pornography habit alone. A community of believers can provide a safe place for you to work through your hurts with honesty, patience, and encouragement. They can pray for healing and forgiveness for you and your spouse even when you find it difficult to pray yourself. If you find yourself stuck in bitterness and resentment, ask God for help and ask others to keep you accountable.
3. Handle Your Spouse's Confession with Care – Remember, how you handle your spouse's confession will greatly impact his or her honesty and vulnerability with you in the future. You want your marriage to be a safe place where confession isn’t avoided but embraced. Handling confessions with gentleness and compassion will help to create this safe place. This is crucial to rebuilding trust.
4. Intimacy Can Help in Recovery – When one spouse confesses to viewing pornography, the offended spouse often retreats completely. This leaves the offender feeling even more isolated. Remember that you are your spouse’s only outlet for God-honoring sex. While taking time to process and forgive is understandable, consider asking how you can use sexual intimacy in a healthy way to help your spouse’s recovery.
5. Point Your Spouse to Jesus – God designed marriage to sanctify us (set us apart and free us from sin). Even in the midst of hurt and betrayal, you have the privilege of helping your spouse become more like Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 says, "And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all." What role do you need to play for your spouse today? Do you need to admonish, encourage, or help your spouse? Can you be patient as your spouse grows? Remember you are not responsible for changing your spouse’s heart. That is Jesus’s job.

Forgiving your spouse for indulging in pornography is easier said than done. It may take effort and time. However, just as with pursuing righteousness and purity, it will always be worth it.

You can help your spouse recover. It might be as simple as reminding your spouse that he or she is not alone and that you are praying for healing and strength. Keep in mind that marriages aren’t fixed by a single revelation or one day of forgiveness. Marriages grow when spouses daily confess their sins to one another and die to themselves to seek oneness.

Marriage is an opportunity to see the good news of Jesus at work. Every day your spouse sins against you is a chance to speak the gospel over them and over yourself. If you lack the strength or courage, know you are not alone. Rely on Jesus and lean on your community.

Do you struggle with sexual intimacy, confession, and forgiveness? You are not alone. Thousands of couples come to re|engage every year to work through pornography addictions and problems with forgiveness. Check out these testimonies for a reminder there is always hope for recovery.